Work has been busy, but hopefully after this week it’s a bit less hectic. Everyone is leaving things until the last minute and I have to meet some pretty tight deadlines. I apologize for not keeping up with my posts as well as I once did. I will start writing more again I am sure. Another reason that I haven’t written as much lately is that I don’t have as much to write. I still think about babies/TTC at least once a day, but I have been happy in general and so busy that I haven’t been sitting around actively thinking about it or how I could turn those thoughts into a blog post. That’s probably healthy, so I’ll go with it :) I hope you’re all having happy, healthy thoughts as well! Enjoy these last few weeks of summer xo
J now knows I am writing this blog. I don’t know why I really kept it a secret at first. I guess I was self-conscious about whether he’d want to read it and what he would think if he did. I was also worried that he would be against me airing our TTC laundry online. I didn’t actually come out and say, “So, I started this blog . . . “. Instead, he was teasing me about this pseudo-blog I had back in the day (i.e., almost 7 years ago when we met). As someone who vividly remembers the days of ICQ, I would hope that all my readers are at least old enough to remember MSN messenger. At one point MSN came out with personalized “spaces” for each user and it was basically a myspace/blog format. I created one, as did most of my friends, but they died out pretty quickly. Well, in the time that I actually used my MSN space, I wrote a little post about Miss Canada winning Miss Universe. I was pretty excited about it because usually Canada doesn’t make it very far in the competition and I am a proud Canadian. As much as I love Canada, it’s almost like we’re the US’ annoying kid sister and the US always gets to do everything first, get first pick, and will never let us win. So at the time, I was excited – not a top moment in my life kind of excited, but rather a “the Bachelor picked my top choice of the girls” kind of excitement. Ever since seeing that, J thinks I have an obsession with pageants (definitely not, but I enjoy watching Miss America, Miss USA, and Miss Universe if I see that they’re on – mainly for the evening gowns and talents, even though I think talent only counts for Miss America). So he teases me about it and says things like “Are you going to blog about it?!” with mock enthusiasm. After a walk today, he said something about blogging to me and I said, “What if I had a blog?” and he asked if it was about pageants and then proceeded to guess a few other things. Finally, he said, “Let me guess, it’s about trying to conceive a baby.” So I told him it was and he seemed fine with it. He didn’t ask to see it and I’m not sure if I want to share (since his opinion would matter most to me and I haven’t even told most of my close friends that I have started this blog). I guess because it’s so personal and about something very sensitive, I feel in a very vulnerable position whenever I send the link to someone.
TTC can be a tough journey, and for some a heart-wrenching, seemingly never-ending journey. Those who conceive and carry to term as soon as they start trying or within 2-3 months are lucky and I definitely envy them. At the same time, I am thankful that we haven’t (as yet) been trying for years and years and I am hopeful that we’ll conceive before it comes to that. I’m sure that everyone deals with TTC and fertility issues differently, but for me, talking about it is cathartic. I have always been someone who shares my personal experiences and some would probably say too much. I find that talking it through and getting feedback and validation from others helps me to process the most emotional and monumental experiences in my life.
I was reading a fabulous blog about another couple’s journey toward parenthood last night. It’s called Our Road to Baby (see the blog roll at the bottom – again, links aren’t working for me). I was really impressed with a) her writing style and b) how open and honest she was. She is letting it all hang out in an amazing way.
Personally, I don’t feel as free on this blog. When I started writing it, I thought of it as a bit of a diary, but with the knowledge that others may read it. I have sent the link to a few friends and I’ve had positive feedback, but J doesn’t even know I’m writing it (I guess I’m self-conscious) and I’m not sure if he’d support having his dirty laundry aired out in (semi) public. So I feel like, for his sake, I should guard what details I divulge and how much I bring him into these posts. At the same time, it is my nature to be really open and forthcoming with personal information. So while I’d love to write about all the nitty gritty for myself, I do feel restrained.
Furthermore, I feel like I haven’t truly found my voice or blog style yet. I am very new to blogging and I don’t anticipate that this will become a popular blog with many followers (although I entertain daydreams of becoming a famous blogger whose words are gospel to millions . . . or some other grandiose outcome). For the most part, I figure it will just be my friends who want updates on how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking. So that brings me back to the above; I don’t feel anonymous, so I don’t feel entirely free. In turn, I find myself editing and censoring some of my thoughts. Moreover, sometimes I feel too stiff and formal on here. I think that comes from writing client reports all day and my many years of academia. Moral of the story is to bear with me while I figure out all this blogging business !
I have been married since 07.25.09 and live in Western Canada. So far, I have been able to achieve all my dreams with luck and hard work, but getting pregnant has eluded me thus far. I want to be a mother more than ANYTHING and it is so frustrating and devastating to think that it might not happen. I decided to start a blog as an outlet. I don’t know if anyone will read it, or if I’ll even keep it up. I hope that someday this blog will also be an outlet for the joys and frustration of motherhood if (WHEN) my dream is actually realized!