Fortunate

Because J and I conceived naturally, I sometimes feel guilty. So many others whom I’ve encountered since beginning my blog have turned to treatments ranging from medication to multiple IVF attempts. Some are still struggling. I try not to undermine my experience because it did take 18 months, which is far less time than many have to wait, but it’s still far longer than the norm and it was agony during the latter half of that. It was long enough where I worried, sought help, waited to see specialists, saw the specialists, had multiple tests done (and sometimes the same test was done multiple times), was given a diagnosis and prognosis, and we were referred to the IVF program. I had genuinely been terrified that we would never be able to conceive, with or without IVF. So, to beat the odds and be one of those couples whose slim chance at natural conception actually came to be realized was and is amazing.

On my drive to work today, I was thinking about all the tests and roller coaster of emotions that J and I went through and what was the point of all of it considering we did conceive naturally, but I think we were justified in our fears and the actions we pursued. I think we really just got very, very lucky. And all of the tests, waiting, overanalyzing, agonizing, and crying was not for naught. I’m able to attribute a purpose or meaning to it. For me, it makes me appreciate this pregnancy so much. It also helps me cope with the aches, pains, and stresses of pregnancy because even when I feel less than stellar, I’m able to wholeheartedly know that this is what I want more than anything. Because of the outcome, I’m actually thankful for the experience because I think that it will mean that I never take any of this or my child for granted. Of course, the test results we got might mean that we are never able to conceive another child, which does make me sad. But now I have hope for another miracle and if it doesn’t happen, I will be so appreciative of being able to be a mother to this one amazing child.

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