Hope

Praying to a god that I don’t believe in

– Lyric from Breakeven by The Script

*Disclaimer: Do not read if you are in a difficult place right now*

I have not been posting much lately because I was too nervous and I wanted a chance to talk to certain people first. Then I found it hard to find the time and energy to appropriately write this. I still don’t even really know how to phrase it without it being a jumbled mess of thoughts.

On February 22nd, our nephew was born. That was also the day I found out that I’m pregnant. My cycles are typically 28-31 days, although I’ve had a few 26 days cycles more recently. I have not had a cycle longer than 31 days in over a year and even then there were only two – the first one after stopping birth control was 35 days and the following one was 33 days. Around CD26, I had a significant amount of ewcm. For some reason, I seem to get the most right before my period starts. It is often slightly brown or blood-tinged. I guess there is an estrogen surge right before your period that can cause the increase in ewcm. So when I saw it, I assumed that my period was hours away, as usual. However, days passed and nothing. I was also cramping like I typically do pre-period, so I still figured it was just a matter of time. There were two nights when I remember waking up with night sweats. My boobs were sore, but this had happened before and I had been fooled into hoping. Then I noticed that I was constipated, whereas my bowels normally loosen and I have my best poop of the month right before starting my period. CD32 came and went and I was still really backed up.  I decided that if I still hadn’t gotten my period when I woke up on CD33, I would test. I was very tired when I woke up though so I peed and then opened the pregnancy test; not the smartest move. So I put the capped test back in the cupboard and hoped it would still work later. I was hoping at this point but scared to hope because I had been duped before and it seemed too good to be true. I decided that if I still hadn’t gotten my period by the end of the work day, I would test. When I got home I pulled out that opened test and I peed on it for 7 seconds (2 more than the instructions said). Almost immediately, a faint line appeared. I couldn’t believe it. I had begun to think I would never see such a thing as a positive HPT. I ran to get my cell phone to take a picture just to make sure I could still see it on the camera and it wasn’t my imagination. It was quite clear in the picture. By the end of the 3-minute waiting period, the test line was almost as dark as the control line. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t cry the way I expected I would. Instead I swore up a storm and jumped around. As soon as I could calm myself, I rushed to the nearby pharmacy and picked up a digital Clear Blue test that says “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and gives an estimate of the number of weeks since conception. Before buying the test, I decided I have no shame and I asked the pharmacist if the extra 2 seconds of urine exposure could have created a false positive (from reading Pee on a Stick I already knew this was improbable/impossible). The pharmacist asked me if a pregnancy was a good thing. I exclaimed that it was amazing! Then he assured me that I was pregnant. I drove home and hoped that I’d have enough pee left so I could take the test right away. I peed on the new test and it said “pregnant” pretty quickly. It took a bit longer for it to show “1-2” for the weeks since conception. I was in shock, but sooooo happy.

It was agonizing waiting for J to get home and it seemed like he was taking extra long that evening. He loooooves monkeys and, back when I thought getting pregnant was going to be easy, I bought a onesie with a sock monkey on it that said “Daddy’s Little Monkey”. I put the onesie in a gift bag and presented it to him as soon as he got home. He couldn’t believe it either and wondered if I read the tests wrong. It was so ironic too since just the night before we were at the IVF info session.

This past Friday, we went for our first ultrasound. I requested a dating ultrasound because a) I normally ovulate late, b) I needed proof that there really was a baby growing in there and c) I had heard that once a heartbeat is detected the chance of miscarriage drops considerably. During the ultrasound we discovered that my CD20 ovulation held consistent and I was a week behind what we thought (I just reached 7 weeks today). We also saw the fetal pole and a beating heart – 125 bpm! J was there and it was such an amazing moment that really helped make this all seem real.

I am still cautious because I know that the first trimester poses a lot of risks, but I am so hopeful and happy. This is a miracle and I find myself praying, thanking god for this amazing gift. I know I have said before that I mainly consider myself to be an atheist, but this whole process has brought me to prayer on a number of occasions. I also pray for my loved ones and the others I have connected with through this blog who are at various stages along the treacherous and arduous journey of infertility. Even though I did not require IVF after all for this pregnancy, I am still a long way from a live birth. This journey has changed me and opened my eyes. I won’t forget the process; I won’t be able to. And I won’t forget those who are still moving toward their own chance at motherhood. If it would help you to stop following my blog, I understand. I hope to continue to support all of you. Thank you for having been there for me.