Praying to a god that I don’t believe in

– Lyric from Breakeven by The Script

*Disclaimer: Do not read if you are in a difficult place right now*

I have not been posting much lately because I was too nervous and I wanted a chance to talk to certain people first. Then I found it hard to find the time and energy to appropriately write this. I still don’t even really know how to phrase it without it being a jumbled mess of thoughts.

On February 22nd, our nephew was born. That was also the day I found out that I’m pregnant. My cycles are typically 28-31 days, although I’ve had a few 26 days cycles more recently. I have not had a cycle longer than 31 days in over a year and even then there were only two – the first one after stopping birth control was 35 days and the following one was 33 days. Around CD26, I had a significant amount of ewcm. For some reason, I seem to get the most right before my period starts. It is often slightly brown or blood-tinged. I guess there is an estrogen surge right before your period that can cause the increase in ewcm. So when I saw it, I assumed that my period was hours away, as usual. However, days passed and nothing. I was also cramping like I typically do pre-period, so I still figured it was just a matter of time. There were two nights when I remember waking up with night sweats. My boobs were sore, but this had happened before and I had been fooled into hoping. Then I noticed that I was constipated, whereas my bowels normally loosen and I have my best poop of the month right before starting my period. CD32 came and went and I was still really backed up.  I decided that if I still hadn’t gotten my period when I woke up on CD33, I would test. I was very tired when I woke up though so I peed and then opened the pregnancy test; not the smartest move. So I put the capped test back in the cupboard and hoped it would still work later. I was hoping at this point but scared to hope because I had been duped before and it seemed too good to be true. I decided that if I still hadn’t gotten my period by the end of the work day, I would test. When I got home I pulled out that opened test and I peed on it for 7 seconds (2 more than the instructions said). Almost immediately, a faint line appeared. I couldn’t believe it. I had begun to think I would never see such a thing as a positive HPT. I ran to get my cell phone to take a picture just to make sure I could still see it on the camera and it wasn’t my imagination. It was quite clear in the picture. By the end of the 3-minute waiting period, the test line was almost as dark as the control line. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t cry the way I expected I would. Instead I swore up a storm and jumped around. As soon as I could calm myself, I rushed to the nearby pharmacy and picked up a digital Clear Blue test that says “pregnant” or “not pregnant” and gives an estimate of the number of weeks since conception. Before buying the test, I decided I have no shame and I asked the pharmacist if the extra 2 seconds of urine exposure could have created a false positive (from reading Pee on a Stick I already knew this was improbable/impossible). The pharmacist asked me if a pregnancy was a good thing. I exclaimed that it was amazing! Then he assured me that I was pregnant. I drove home and hoped that I’d have enough pee left so I could take the test right away. I peed on the new test and it said “pregnant” pretty quickly. It took a bit longer for it to show “1-2” for the weeks since conception. I was in shock, but sooooo happy.

It was agonizing waiting for J to get home and it seemed like he was taking extra long that evening. He loooooves monkeys and, back when I thought getting pregnant was going to be easy, I bought a onesie with a sock monkey on it that said “Daddy’s Little Monkey”. I put the onesie in a gift bag and presented it to him as soon as he got home. He couldn’t believe it either and wondered if I read the tests wrong. It was so ironic too since just the night before we were at the IVF info session.

This past Friday, we went for our first ultrasound. I requested a dating ultrasound because a) I normally ovulate late, b) I needed proof that there really was a baby growing in there and c) I had heard that once a heartbeat is detected the chance of miscarriage drops considerably. During the ultrasound we discovered that my CD20 ovulation held consistent and I was a week behind what we thought (I just reached 7 weeks today). We also saw the fetal pole and a beating heart – 125 bpm! J was there and it was such an amazing moment that really helped make this all seem real.

I am still cautious because I know that the first trimester poses a lot of risks, but I am so hopeful and happy. This is a miracle and I find myself praying, thanking god for this amazing gift. I know I have said before that I mainly consider myself to be an atheist, but this whole process has brought me to prayer on a number of occasions. I also pray for my loved ones and the others I have connected with through this blog who are at various stages along the treacherous and arduous journey of infertility. Even though I did not require IVF after all for this pregnancy, I am still a long way from a live birth. This journey has changed me and opened my eyes. I won’t forget the process; I won’t be able to. And I won’t forget those who are still moving toward their own chance at motherhood. If it would help you to stop following my blog, I understand. I hope to continue to support all of you. Thank you for having been there for me.




25 thoughts on “Hope

  1. Woohoo! This is awesome! There are a lot of unexpected BFPs going around lately. I really understand the uncertainty of the first trimester. It’s not fun. Sending love your way!

      • Yes, the worry does not go away, but it gets easier the further along you get. I felt it lift a little at 8 weeks, then 10, then a big lift at 12, then again at 14 weeks. Lol. I guess every few weeks it gets a little better. Now I look forward to passing the 24 week mark. Just try to enjoy it as much as you can. Time goes slow at first, but then it starts to fly by!

  2. Amazingness! The greatest surprise in the world. I know these early weeks are treacherous, but keep praying and keep hoping and know that you will get through it one step at a time. I’m so happy for you, friend!

  3. Wow! Congratulations! Very very happy for you that it happened without having to go through all the IVF craziness! Yay!

  4. Congrats, my dear! I am so happy for you! I am also about 7 weeks along. Not a day goes by that I’m not terrified of losing it, but I’m grateful to be here. I need some pregnant-after-infertility buds, so we need to stay in touch!

  5. Thanks! I am thrilled for your success, too- right before IVF! It’s good to hear that many of your blog friends have also gotten pregnant recently. Stories like that give hope.

    I am tempted to blog. I think that pregnancy after infertility often comes with an extra dose of worry, so it would be nice to talk with other ladies in the same situation and celebrate their successes.

    Do you plan to continue blogging?

    By the way, do you feel any different yet? I don’t have a whole lot of pregnancy symptoms, which is weriding me out!

      • I do plan to continue blogging, at least for the time being.

        I feel a bit different. I definitely have some symptoms. Nausea is one – but not super bad. I feel like a vessel of sorts and my husband jokes about how I’m carrying his seed. Most of my “different” feelings are purely psychological at this point I’m sure (aside from early pregnancy symptoms). I think every pregnancy is different though and some people get no symptoms. So try not to get weirded out!

  6. That’s so reassuring to have some symptoms! I have the annoying off-and-on ones that make me nervous when they go away. Thanks- I’ll try not to freak. I just found out that my mom also had very few symptoms, so that makes me feel a bit better.

    Can’t wait to follow your journey. :)

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