Deserving

Who deserves to have a baby? Everyone? Only Mother Theresa types (I recognize the irony considering that a nun isn’t allowed to have children)? One night awhile back, I found myself sobbing about how maybe I couldn’t get pregnant because J and I don’t deserve to have a baby. I know that’s totally irrational, as one friend kindly pointed out (I loved how she did it. She didn’t say, “I think you’re being irrational.” She just said, “It’s ok to be irrational right now.” So matter of fact, like the fact that I was irrational was not up for debate :) ). There are so many people out there who don’t seem to want their children, who are too irresponsible to make good choices for their children or to put their children’s needs first, who outright abuse their children, etc. So I don’t really think that it’s a matter of only the deserving becoming parents. But on that night I just felt gutted and starting ticking off a list of faults. Self-blame is a really slippery and dangerous slope with a lot of things, infertility included. It’s hard not to blame yourself, or at least wonder if it’s something you did . Even though my RE told me that DOR is not my fault, it’s nothing I did, I still catch myself wondering if maybe all the cigarettes I have smoked (I don’t consider myself a smoker since I’m more of just a social/drunk smoker and I go months without a single cigarette and then will have about 5 in one night of partying with friends) caused me to start having issues with fertility a few years sooner than my mom (who is clean as a whistle). I wonder if I drank/drink too much, exercise too little, eat too much fatty food, drink too much diet coke, don’t give to charity enough, am too judgmental, and so on and so on. My doctor said my diet, caffeine, and alcohol intake are fine, but not to smoke (not a problem). I’ve started exercising, mainly for Mexico, but then I also worry if maybe I’m over exercising and that will hurt things. It often feels very much like a lose-lose situation. And in the past, I have tried exercising/not exercising, no caffeine/as much caffeine as I want/moderate caffeine, and limited alcohol/no alcohol during 2ww/alcohol whenever I feel like it. None of them worked. I think in the end it’s all really going to come down to luck. Even with the help of some pretty amazing medicine/science, luck (or God for the faithful) still plays a huge role. So I am metaphorically crossing my fingers, toes, and eyes, hoping that the first IVF round works (I don’t even hope for a natural pregnancy at this point anymore). And if the universe actually does have anything to do with it, I hope our good will be recognized with the bad.

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6 thoughts on “Deserving

  1. I believe it’s all just dumb luck. We can’t really do anything to change it. The crack heads will continue to pop out babies left and right and we’ll just be stuck trying fantastical things to get pregnant once. It’s not fair at all. That’s just so depressing, isn’t it?

  2. I agree. It’s just plain ol’ dumb luck. I’ve tried all the things that you have, as well as vitamins and many other things, but haven’t seen a change either. It’s just one of those where some people are screwed and some get lucky. Please don’t blame yourself! I know it’s not always easy and I struggle too, but please don’t!

  3. I also don’t think “it happens when it is suppose to” it happens when sperm meets egg and there is implantation, it is nothing we can control, it IS a matter of it just actually happening, so I think luck IS the right word. When I see people not appreciate their children it makes me sick, feels totally unfair, and sometimes makes me question the big man upstairs. Now that I have actually started IVF I have been putting that aside and actually praying and apologizing for my lack of “attention” I have been giving him. We are not super religious in this house, we believe in a higher power but at the end of the day I really think it is all luck :(

  4. That’s so cool that your friend told you it was okay to be irrational. I wish someone would tell me that! =)

    I’ve seen so many people with the worst habits and health get pregnant. I agree that there is nothing you did wrong. I’ve realized the same thing about myself. I eat extremely well, exercise, take vitamins, am pretty relaxed, and still, nothing after 16 months. On the other hand, I see unhealthy people much older than me getting pregnant while consuming lots of sugar, alcohol, coffee, and sometimes cigarettes. There is something freeing in realizing that it’s not your fault. I’m sorry- it does suck.

    • Yeah we’re both psychologists so I guess we feel we can be upfront about irrationality with each other :) Even though it hasn’t helped your fertility, it sounds like your lifestyle is extremely good for you. I wish I was that type of person but I think it would be such a major overhaul for me that it would seem torturous.

      • I’m only doing it because I’m currently on fertility treatments, and if they fail, I know I would blame myself for any tiny thing that “could” hurt. Otherwise, I’m all about the wine and coffee!

        Cool that you’re both psychologists! I imagine that leads to interesting conversations.

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