Who deserves to have a baby? Everyone? Only Mother Theresa types (I recognize the irony considering that a nun isn’t allowed to have children)? One night awhile back, I found myself sobbing about how maybe I couldn’t get pregnant because J and I don’t deserve to have a baby. I know that’s totally irrational, as one friend kindly pointed out (I loved how she did it. She didn’t say, “I think you’re being irrational.” She just said, “It’s ok to be irrational right now.” So matter of fact, like the fact that I was irrational was not up for debate :) ). There are so many people out there who don’t seem to want their children, who are too irresponsible to make good choices for their children or to put their children’s needs first, who outright abuse their children, etc. So I don’t really think that it’s a matter of only the deserving becoming parents. But on that night I just felt gutted and starting ticking off a list of faults. Self-blame is a really slippery and dangerous slope with a lot of things, infertility included. It’s hard not to blame yourself, or at least wonder if it’s something you did . Even though my RE told me that DOR is not my fault, it’s nothing I did, I still catch myself wondering if maybe all the cigarettes I have smoked (I don’t consider myself a smoker since I’m more of just a social/drunk smoker and I go months without a single cigarette and then will have about 5 in one night of partying with friends) caused me to start having issues with fertility a few years sooner than my mom (who is clean as a whistle). I wonder if I drank/drink too much, exercise too little, eat too much fatty food, drink too much diet coke, don’t give to charity enough, am too judgmental, and so on and so on. My doctor said my diet, caffeine, and alcohol intake are fine, but not to smoke (not a problem). I’ve started exercising, mainly for Mexico, but then I also worry if maybe I’m over exercising and that will hurt things. It often feels very much like a lose-lose situation. And in the past, I have tried exercising/not exercising, no caffeine/as much caffeine as I want/moderate caffeine, and limited alcohol/no alcohol during 2ww/alcohol whenever I feel like it. None of them worked. I think in the end it’s all really going to come down to luck. Even with the help of some pretty amazing medicine/science, luck (or God for the faithful) still plays a huge role. So I am metaphorically crossing my fingers, toes, and eyes, hoping that the first IVF round works (I don’t even hope for a natural pregnancy at this point anymore). And if the universe actually does have anything to do with it, I hope our good will be recognized with the bad.