There Will Be Waves

I think I have been doing remarkably well considering the circumstances. I cried a lot when we first learned about DOR, but after a week or two, I started to feel more normal again. Then, after our follow-up appointment, I felt hopeful. Slowly the fear started to creep back in, but I was still keeping it together. Last night I cracked. A friend of mine recently started a photography business and most of her pictures are of babies. I was looking through her pictures and longing for a baby but also admiring how cute they were; then I saw the post of one woman’s maternity photos followed by the pictures of her holding her newborn. I just thought to myself how it’s so unfair that I can’t have that (at least not easily, and maybe never). I got a little teary, but that was all. I went upstairs to bed shortly after and J noticed my eyes looked wet, so he asked me what was wrong. Such a simple question, but it is what broke me. So I started crying and it took me a little while to stop. I thought of what my mother had said back when we first found out the diagnosis, that I will go through waves of emotions and that’s perfectly normal. So I tried to calm myself down and recognize that my breakdown is a natural part of this entirely unjust process. So there will be ups and downs and I am thankful to have this blog to be able to express both sides and for the support that you have all shown me.

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8 thoughts on “There Will Be Waves

  1. You’re right. It is unjust. It is unfair. And it is okay to cry over that. You will forever feel those ups and downs until you have your child in your arms, and maybe even for a long time after that. Just know that you can turn to us with anything you feel and we will lift you up when you are down. Hang in there, friend.

  2. It is so unfair. I don’t think the ups and downs will ever fade completely. There will always at least be a memory of it, even after you have your precious baby. Sending hugs your way!

  3. It is a roller coaster! Hugs! I hope one day soon you are that woman with the maternity photos and baby in your arms!

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