I have some unhealthy habits. I was a very picky eater as a child and I’m still picky in many people’s eyes (but those who knew me as a child are amazed at how much I have expanded my horizons). My picky habits meant that my mom had little choice but to try to get calories, and whatever nutrients she could, into me however possible. So I ate donuts and peanut butter cups for breakfast, pasta with butter whenever possible, and McDonald’s almost exclusively when on vacation. Somehow though, I had an amazing metabolism and was always very petite. Unfortunately, I felt like the odd one out when I wasn’t obsessing over my body and losing weight once I was in junior high. So I started to think about it and obsess almost to fit in. What started as a way of trying to be a “normal teenaged girl” turned into unhealthy habits of the other extreme. I would never say I truly had an eating disorder, but I certainly engaged in disordered eating. I’m sure that my spurts of calorie counting messed with my metabolism and I just wish I had left it alone because now I find myself often fighting against my body. Of course, I should/could eat healthier (way too much fast food and not enough salad) and engage in a healthy amount of moderate exercise (I’m all or nothing and the all only lasts about a month), but I wish that my concerns with this didn’t come from a place of disliking what I see in the mirror and comparing it to the fictional “ideal” of photoshopped celebrities. I am still within a healthy BMI (although now at the top end rather than the bottom), but I can’t allow myself to be happy with that because I don’t look like I used to. I found myself wondering if a time would come when I would just let go and not even think about it because I don’t want to spend my whole life bouncing between total glutony and 6-day a week exercise regimes plus strict caloric intake restrictions.
Interestingly enough, in my daily perusal of People.com, I read Elisa Donovan’s Blog: The Waste of Talking About Our Waists – Moms & Babies – Moms & Babies – People.com. A lot of what she said is where I wish I was in my thinking and actions. I also found the part about people’s sense of entitlement toward commenting on pregnant women’s bodies interesting. It’s so true and I’m guilty of it (in a well-intentioned way). If you said the comments she related to a non-pregnant women, it would be the most socially-inappropriate thing ever. So as much as I love and want a baby bump, I will try to keep my thoughts to myself in the future! Check out her blog entry if you’re interested in issues of body esteem.