I’m Scared

In the last few days, my fear has caught up with me. I had been so excited when we left the RE’s office because he renewed my hope. I still have hope, but fear has crept back in. I have minor fears about the actual IVF process. I am afraid of giving myself a needle. I don’t even tweeze my own eyebrows because I can’t bring myself to yank the hairs out (but I don’t mind when someone else waxes or tweezes for me). That fear is easily calmed though because I know that it will become easy once I’ve done it a few times. It’s just that first time where it will be hard to actually bring myself to puncture the skin. I am also “afraid” (in a vain sense) of gaining a bunch of weight from the medication, but I have heard the bloating goes away and I am holding on to that considering that I’m a good 10 lbs over anything close to satisfactory in my opinion and I am quite short so a little weight goes a long way. My main fear though, the one that got me crying last night, is that it won’t work. On one hand I hope that our wait to start IVF is short, but on the other hand, the quicker it comes, the quicker it might be the death of a dream. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but it’s reality. Our chances at a viable pregnancy all come down to how many eggs I produce and their quality. We just won’t know that until our first IVF cycle. I told J I needed a hug last night and as he obliged, he asked why. I told him I was scared. I think he thought I was talking about the needles, so I explained where my real fear was coming from. He said he didn’t think I needed to be scared because there was a 58% chance of having a baby. However, I had to remind him that it’s a 58% chance if I produce 7-10 eggs and I may not. He was supportive though and said that if the first one didn’t work, we still had two more tries. I can’t stress enough how much statements like that mean right now. We joke that I am the CEO and he is the CFO of the family. He is really responsible with money and if he says we can afford something, I never doubt him. Although he enjoys the finer things in life and we both treat ourselves to things, he can be hesitant about spending money too and he normally researches everything ad nauseum before making a purchase. So the fact that he seems comfortable with this HUGE sum of money and potentially spending it 3 times over helps ease my guilt. I think I feel extra pressure for it to work the first time so we don’t need to spend as much, but he is basically saying that the money doesn’t matter in the long run, growing our family does. So I appreciated his response and it does help, but I’m still scared. Having a baby and being a mom is everything to me. If IVF doesn’t work, we will wholeheartedly commit ourselves to the adoption process, but I am scared about having to start another intense, long, emotionally and financially draining process from square 1. Sometimes I even think about skipping IVF and going straight to adoption, but we can’t, we need to try. Otherwise we would always wonder. And right now I feel like I know way more about IVF than adoption so it does feel like a “safer” place at the moment, even though I am afraid.

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10 thoughts on “I’m Scared

  1. Aw, I’m so sorry that you’re feeling scared. It’s natural- IVF is kind of scary- although for most people, it seems like it’s not as bad as they thought it would be. I hope it’s that way for you.

    I can identify with your feelings a little, although I know your situation is more intense than mine is at this point. I’m starting treatment again this month, and I’m scared it will fail. I’d almost rather not know how bad our fertility problems might be. And I’m sure that feeling is magnified with IVF and DOR, so I’m sure you’re really going through a lot.

    On the bright side, I think you are so right that the fact that you have three chances should take a lot of pressure off. It does seem like most people are successful within three tries. If it makes you feel any better, there is a girl on Fertility friend with DOR and endometriosis, and her husband has a low sperm count, and they got pregnant. Also, I have another blog friend who has PCOS AND DOR, and her first IVF worked. So there is definitely hope. I hope you get lucky!

    I know what you mean about adoption. That is kind of a scary-sounding and exhausting road, too.

    • Thank you! That really did help! Mind passing the blog address of the PCOS and DOR woman who conceived with the first IVF? I think this new wave of fear really started with reading a blurb about DOR and how dire the results are of treatment. But I have found hope other places (and often in more reputable places), so I should try to hold on to that. Good luck with your treatment! I hope that it is successful for you!

  2. I remember having very similar feelings before starting IVF. Someone reminded me that IVF is also a “learning process”…it may not work the first time but a lot will be learned about your infertility to help make the 2nd round a success. We definitely learned a lot through ours, that we have terrible fertilization. Explains everything. It was just a fluke that both embryos that we did manage to create were viable. Otherwise, my RE had a great plan for our second round since now we knew what was going wrong. Maybe looking at it that way will help.
    About the needles….is there any way your husband can give them to you? I did my first one but then made T do all the rest, I figured that was his way to be more involved and it made me a lot less anxious. I mixed them but he administered it.
    I was also tempted to “abandon ship” and go straight to adoption but was encouraged by quite a few people to do at least one IVF cycle…otherwise we’d always wonder.
    Thinking about you! Hoping you are getting the support you need. Are you on a “clinic chat” thread on ivf.ca? There is also a DOR section. I found the ladies on ivf.ca were INVALUABLE as I prepared for and went through the process. I am MPH on there but I mostly post under “Genesis Gals” on the “Clinic Chat” section.

    • Thank you for the support and advice! At first the learning process notion freaked me out because I felt so much pressure for it to work the first time because a) the cost and b) we’d be closer to running out of lifetime chances (meaning that we’d likely never try for a second baby – even one child will be the most amazing gift ever, but in my heart I want 2, maybe even 3 in an ideal world). But now I can appreciate what you’re saying and J helped calm my fears about the cost part at least.

      I feel like I should do the shots myself because I think J would be so nervous about injecting me even though he injects himself all the time. When he was nervous about his own injections, I offered but he said it made him more nervous. He is still squeamish about syringe-type needles as he uses a pen. So I think I would ask him to as a last resort, but I will try it myself first. He said that he found injections easy once he got over the fear of his first one and I have read the same from other women who did IVF.

      I am on the clinic chat and DOR forums at ivf.ca. It has been helpful for sure.

      • I totally know how you feel about wanting more than “just” one child. I always imagined I’d have AT LEAST 3 but now I am coming to terms with the fact that these twins will likely be it. If we ever had a third it would be through adoption. However…you just NEVER know what will happen! I never imagined I’d have twins! Our clinic is strict about single embryo tranfers unless transfering 2 is your only hope…and look what happened. You might end up with a few good frosties as well and never have to do more than one IVF! Who knows! You just have to get started and see what happens! Thinking about you lots!

      • Yeah I never expected that frosties would be a possibility for us, but the RE talked about it. Obviously not a guarantee but it was exciting to know that there was some hope for it.

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