So this post is two-fold, as you can kind of tell from the title. First, I wanted to report that I am finding ways to just live again instead of being perpetually wrapped up in everything infertility. It is still on my mind a lot, even if just in the background, but I am finding ways to also fit other thoughts in there. This weekend was a prime example. On Friday night, J and I enjoyed watching a movie together and I felt in the moment. On Saturday, I did more work on a scrapbook I am making using pictures and mementos from friends’ weddings. I had started it awhile back and I needed one of my friends to send me the files of some of her professional pictures. I could have easily sent her an email about it months ago, but as is the case with depression (and certainly my response to a lot of this is the same as a depressive episode), I had lost the interest in and the energy to do things I previously enjoyed. So I finally got around to asking for the files, ordering some pictures, and finishing off the pages for her wedding. Previously, I wouldn’t touch alcohol during the 2WW just in case, but now, knowing that I’m highly unlikely to be pregnant naturally and that the placenta doesn’t even begin to form until week 4 or 5, I figured a couple wouldn’t hurt. Several months ago (maybe in the summer?), I bought a jar of hibiscus flowers in syrup from the liquor store. So one night I put a flower (looked like a sea urchin) in the bottom of a glass of champagne and the other night I made a hibiscus daiquiri with some of the syrup. Both drinks were super sweet, but it was nice to kick back with a fun cocktail and to actually feel motivated to try out a new recipe. I was texting with a friend from home who lives in town and we were discussing another friend’s upcoming stagette (bachelorette party) and I offered to make some jello shots (I pinned all these cool looking ones on pinterest but never had the opportunity or inclination to make them) and games. That got me excited and I am excited just thinking about the wedding in Mexico! I did some cleaning and shopping as well, and also watched a bunch of season 7 of Dexter online. All of those things are so simple, but simple enjoyment had largely been missing from my life.
In other news, I have officially started moving ahead with IVF because I started my period today and had to call the period hotline. Something about the term “period hotline” makes me laugh (alert the media, my menstrual lining is sloughing off!). Anyway, I could potentially (but unlikely) hear from them in a couple weeks with an offer for treatment. At this point, I would have to decline for the time being because that would put stimming, monitoring, egg retrieval and/or transfer around Mexico and that obviously wouldn’t work. The trip is paid for and fun times will be had with the bride, groom, and friends, so as much as I want IVF, it’s going to have to work around the trip if offered to me too soon. Regardless, there’s an anxious excitement knowing that it’s one step, one cycle closer to being a chance at a dream come true. At the same time, I had a moment where I realized I have to be prepared for it not to work too. Not in a doom and gloom sort of way, but I have read that others weren’t warned that it’s not a guarantee (to me that was self-evident and didn’t require a warning, but still it is good to manage your expectations). I had gotten so hopeful that I sort of saw it as just a matter of waiting 1-4 months until I am pregnant, but it might take 2 or 3 tries or not work at all and then we’ll be starting the adoption process at square one. I am learning that I have to take one step at a time and I can’t always have a 5 year plan.