I was just reading Waiting to Expand. Cassie has inspired me in the past (100th Post) and she managed it again. I have been so stuck in my fear, anger, and despair, that it is hard to truly look forward to positive things outside of TTC. That is partially due to feelings of guilt whenever I feel momentarily happy or excited. I feel like if I say I’m good, or truly feel good, then it’s a sign that I don’t want a baby badly enough or I’m not committed to infertility treatment enough. I know that’s irrational though because I should try to find ways to stay happy and positive in all of this mess. So in the spirit of Cassie, I am going to list some things I am looking forward to in 2013:
- My friend’s stagette (and possibly having one of my best friends come stay with us so that she can attend the stagette)
- My friend’s wedding in Mexico – I love weddings and winter vacations have been a must for J and I since we got married.
- Two of our friends, and their daughter (whom I’ve met, but J hasn’t), said they’d like to come visit us this spring.
- J’s annual general meeting in Jasper, AB (it rotates between Jasper, Banff, and Lake Louise). I have never been to Jasper and now that I know some of the other wives and J’s coworkers, I think that the fancy dinner and ball they have each year will be a lot of fun.
- My 4th wedding anniversary. Even if we only do something simple like dinner or a movie, I like having a night to celebrate our marriage and reflect on our wedding day. I am excited to be reaching our 5th year before too long (seems like a milestone).
- My 30th birthday. If I could be so lucky to be pregnant when I turn 30, then it’ll be amazing! If I’m not, there will be
somesadness over turning 30 before I am a mother. However, a friend and I have been dreaming about just maybe going to Disney World (we both LOVE it!) if I’m not pregnant and we’re between IVF rounds.
- Halloween – I love it! Maybe we’ll even get dressed up and go to/have a party this year. I miss costumes!
- Christmas – it’s one of my favorite times of year. I hope we’ll have a baby or one on the way to celebrate, but even if we don’t, I can’t help but get into the holiday spirit.
- I am also looking forward to starting IVF. I’m not happy that we need to do it or that we’re limited in the number of times we can try, but if it’s our best chance, I want to get it started.