As I have previously mentioned, I have always been driven by milestones and deadlines. I placed some really arbitrary deadlines on myself with TTC. First it was to get pregnant by Christmas 2011 (we started trying in October 2011) so I could tell family in person. Then it was by the summer, then by October 2012 (the one year mark), then by this Christmas (which again, would allow me to tell my parents in person, but it would also mean that I’ll be a mother before I turn 30). Now that we’ve seen the RE and done a bunch of testing, I feel more confident that it will happen and less concerned about when it will happen. My new hope is that we’ll be pregnant by this time next year. Before, the thought of TTC for 2 years plus was daunting and devastating. Now, I’ll just consider myself lucky if it happens in the next year. Of course, I say this now while I’m on a “high” after having a more reasonable O date, and my moods are prone to change when it comes to this journey/battle.
It’s funny though, how the first year felt like torture, but the thought of another year seems palatable. Each month was one more stab to my heart and I really treated it as a month-by-month process in the sense that I put all my eggs (pardon the pun) in one basket each month. Now I’m looking at it as more of an end game, where the final product is what really matters and not so much the stumbles and bruises along the way. I used to often worry about every little thing leading up to ovulation and then even afterward. I would worry that J’s sperm might be old (if it had been awhile) and less effective; I’d worry that if I orgasmed in the 2WW that I’d dislodge any implanted embryo; I’d worry that we hadn’t had sex at the perfect moment. I have caught myself starting to worry about such things a couple times this month, but then I remind myself that what’s done is done. I have already ovulated and we had sex the day of my positive OPK and the next day. I can’t change the outcome. An egg either fertilized or it didn’t. It will implant or it won’t. Worrying about things out of my control certainly won’t help and it could hurt matters.
If it doesn’t happen in this next year, I am sure I will be devastated and very very worried, but right now I just have to believe that it will happen at some point. Whether it’s this month, next month, or 12 months from now, it’ll be the best thing in the world and worth the wait.