Since becoming obsessed with all things TTC and fertility, I have to say that my mind has been too preoccupied for much else, including work, being an attentive wife, friends, cleaning the house, etc. Everything ends up coming back to TTC. I basically feel like my “job” these days is to look into infertility by searching google, reading forum posts, writing my blog, and reading others’ blogs. I end up primarily concentrating on my overwhelming need for a baby. I have to try to curb that since my acupuncturist says I can only stress (and I’ll add obsess) for 30 minutes a day. I’m finding that limitation pretty hard to meet so far, but I should really try not to give in to the temptation to ruminate.
I know I need to move on, not from the desire to have a baby, but from the all-consuming obsession of it. I am taking cake decorating class with my boss. It’s a fondant class and considering that I always screw up taking cakes out of the pan and (if I can get it out in one piece) putting the buttercream on, it’ll be pretty impressive if I can make a prettily decorated cake at the end of the 3 weeks. While I was at the first class two weeks, I remember thinking to myself that I was actually achieving my cell phone reminder to live my life. What I’m thinking now is “wow, was a cake decorating class really the first time that I felt that I was truly just living my life in the last 6+ months?”
I am not doing a good job at living in the moment. I never have. I have always looked toward the future, for as long as I can remember at least. I seem to live for transitions and achievements rather than the moment I’m in. Even though I certainly have a lot of fun, especially when I was younger, I have always been very goal-oriented. By grade 10, my parents and I were touring universities and I was looking at course catalogs. When I was in university I was thinking toward the next step, grad school. Then in grad school I was thinking about finally being done school and getting registered as a psychologist. Then there was the 20 months of looking ahead toward our wedding. Now it’s looking forward to when we have a family and in the meantime it’s looking toward our doctors appointments and starting treatment. I want to live in the moment and I truly think I can do that when we have kids because there will be so many discoveries and experiences (not all good I know) that there will be so many milestone moments to take in and enjoy, but I just don’t seem to want to live in the moment without kids. Living in the moment without kids feels depressing to me because then I have to think about what we don’t have instead of looking toward the future to what I feel that we’re meant to have (and will get, one way or another). I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not satisfied with “the moment”, not if it doesn’t involve being a mother.