Preocuppied

Since becoming obsessed with all things TTC and fertility, I have to say that my mind has been too preoccupied for much else, including work, being an attentive wife, friends, cleaning the house, etc. Everything ends up coming back to TTC. I basically feel like my “job” these days is to look into infertility by searching google, reading forum posts, writing my blog, and reading others’ blogs. I end up primarily concentrating on my overwhelming need for a baby. I have to try to curb that since my acupuncturist says I can only stress (and I’ll add obsess) for 30 minutes a day. I’m finding that limitation pretty hard to meet so far, but I should really try not to give in to the temptation to ruminate.

I know I need to move on, not from the desire to have a baby, but from the all-consuming obsession of it. I am taking cake decorating class with my boss. It’s a fondant class and considering that I always screw up taking cakes out of the pan and (if I can get it out in one piece) putting the buttercream on, it’ll be pretty impressive if I can make a prettily decorated cake at the end of the 3 weeks. While I was at the first class two weeks, I remember thinking to myself that I was actually achieving my cell phone reminder to live my life. What I’m thinking now is “wow, was a cake decorating class really the first time that I felt that I was truly just living my life in the last 6+ months?”

I am not doing a good job at living in the moment. I never have. I have always looked toward the future, for as long as I can remember at least. I seem to live for transitions and achievements rather than the moment I’m in. Even though I certainly have a lot of fun, especially when I was younger,  I have always been very goal-oriented. By grade 10, my parents and I were touring universities and I was looking at course catalogs. When I was in university I was thinking toward the next step, grad school. Then in grad school I was thinking about finally being done school and getting registered as a psychologist. Then there was the 20 months of looking ahead toward our wedding. Now it’s looking forward to when we have a family and in the meantime it’s looking toward our doctors appointments and starting treatment. I want to live in the moment and I truly think I can do that when we have kids because there will be so many discoveries and experiences (not all good I know) that there will be so many milestone moments to take in and enjoy, but I just don’t seem to want to live in the moment without kids. Living in the moment without kids feels depressing to me because then I have to think about what we don’t have instead of looking toward the future to what I feel that we’re meant to have (and will get, one way or another). I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not satisfied with “the moment”, not if it doesn’t involve being a mother.

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9 thoughts on “Preocuppied

  1. I took cake decorating classes (3 of them) to occupy my mind right around the time I started seeing my RE! It was a great distraction and a chance to take your mind off of ttc. Except there was a pregnant lady in one of my classes :(

    • Haha these classes coincide with starting with the RE too! It is helping, but definitely not a solution (especially when I only want to know how to decorate cakes for “the kids'” future birthdays).

  2. I am the same way but dealing with infertility means that you have to take it one day at a time…its so hard but out of your control

    • Yes, so hard for me to follow that advice, but it is good advice. I actually set up reminders in my phone for semi-random times (some are once a week, some every two weeks, some once a month, all at different times of day and different days of the week). One of the reminders is “Let go; you can’t control this.”

  3. “I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not satisfied with “the moment”, not if it doesn’t involve being a mother.” That is exactly what I’ve been trying to work this year. God it’s hard.

    • So hard and some people reach a point where they make peace with being childless or the potential for remaining childless. Honestly, reaching that point seems impossible to me and scares the shit out of me. Even though being at peace sounds nice, I never want to be ok with not having children. I don’t want to give up my dream.

      • I think it’s about keeping faith, doing what you can but not letting it suck you in. I find that acting obsessive comes from fear and getting sucked into despair. The crap thing about fear is that it can either paralyse us so we can’t think or act properly or send us into overdrive out of panic. I call it the void.. like there’s no escaping it. So my friend’s mum told me to fill the void with something (mentally) to stop myself from getting sucked in.

      • Very good advice. It’s definitely something I know to be true on a cognitive level, but emotionally, I find it much hard to deal with. I definitely let fear get me into a panic. I am prone to anxiety. Having cake decorating classes (a short-term hobby) has helped to some extent.

  4. It sounds like you are joining in the boat of TTC most of us have all gone through the” i cant think about anything else phase”. I don’t think there is a cure for it but after you have absorbed as much information as you can you will have a great grasp on all things fertility. It is also the season for dreams coming true. I love your reminders, good idea i may have to use that.

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