I was very upset with J last night and it all started over a loose button.
He mentioned that his shirt button was loose and, since he doesn’t know how to sew a button, I said I could fix it. I said the fee for sewing it on was a massage. Then he said that the fee for sewing it on was him going to my clinic appointments. I know he meant it playfully, but the whole atmosphere changed with that one comment. I quickly said that the appointments are for us. He said he knows, but I have him getting his sperm checked (and the undertone was that this was unnecessary). I told him that the doctor wanted him to and he sounded doubtful when he said, “Already?” I assured him that yes the doctor wanted it done now and he said, “ok”, but it sounded like he was still skeptical. So I pushed it saying that I didn’t think he believed me and he got defensive and said that he did and “jeez, it was just one comment.” I was so hurt though and I hid my head under the covers and cried, which he picked up on. He said he didn’t mean for it to come out that way and I said, “Well it did and I’m extremely hurt.”
I know two things for sure: 1) J loves me and 2) he wants a baby. However, he doesn’t seem to feel that our issues with TTC are as urgent as I do and he really doesn’t seem to get it. Here are the things that were going through my mind while I was crying:
- He hasn’t really had to change his lifestyle at all. As far as TTC goes, he just needs to be ready for sex whether he’s in the mood or not. So month after month of not being pregnant doesn’t really seem to affect how he lives his day-to-day life.
- As my acupuncturist pointed out on Sunday, he’s not the one who gets his period every month. He doesn’t get a week-long physical reminder of the fact that he remains childless.
- I once told him that it can take up to a year for healthy couples to conceive and I think he took this to be the average. He doesn’t seem to realize that once a year has passed that you’re technically infertile. I think he thinks there’s some gray area between “all is good” and infertility.
- He doesn’t seem to realize that we’re essentially at that year. I have been off birth control for 14 months; at the end of this month it will have been 12 cycles where conception was possible and 10 where we timed sex around ovulation. It’s not too early to be concerned, yet his attitude makes me feel like I’m totally overblowing things and he thinks I’m just being a stressed out lunatic.
- Even though these appointments are for us and it’s likely to still be me who has to go through the most tests and deal with the most side effects/life changes, it shouldn’t matter whether these appointments are for us or me. I never once complained or made it seem like a favor when I went to J’s appointments when he was diagnosed with diabetes. I was at the hospital as soon as I could be (I was working out of town when he was initially admitted and diagnosed) and I visited him in the morning before work and after work. I only went home when he told me to. Once he was released from the hospital, we both went to his appointments with the nurse and dietician at the diabetes clinic. I was there to support him in more ways than one.
I felt better this morning and decided to drop the subject with J (I’m not a fan of confrontation, usually just end up crying, and he gets really defensive). The issue just didn’t feel big enough anymore to start something. But when I got to work, I decided I needed to bitch to some women. So two of my coworkers listened and empathized. Even though neither of them has dealt with infertility, both have dealt with husbands who just don’t seem to get it. They assured me it was a “man thing” and not that I had married an a*hole. J is a really great man, and he will be a wonderful father, but he seems to be oblivious to what I am really, truly going through. I think he thinks he gets it, but he doesn’t.