This is my first time signing up for International Comment Leaving Week. I am sure that I’ll discover some amazing blogs and I hope that I’ll gain a few new followers.
This week has been a tough one for me. I felt like I was in a really negative space and jealousy was oozing out of my pores. I do have depression, so sometimes I just get in funks for no good reason at all. I think my negative mood can be attributed partially to that. I also think that my depression and the tendency to ruminate, which is inherent in depression, were exacerbating my frustrating with TTC. I found myself to be extremely irritable this week. J was getting on my nerves and I was on edge with every comment of his. Poor guy was probably walking on eggshells because I’m sure I wasn’t doing as good a job at hiding my irritation as I thought I was. I was also feeling very irritated with my boss and I even felt angry at her for slights against my coworkers. A lot of my irritations at work had to do with the principal of the matter and I was probably getting pissed off for the sake of being pissed off, at times. I found myself jealous over my friends’ happiness. In reality I don’t begrudge them anything, but I had already dug myself into such a negative hole that their milestones (first birthdays, facebook announcements, ultrasounds) felt like heavy reminders of what I’m missing.
Today, I had acupuncture. The acupuncturist asked me how I was feeling and I mentioned that I had 2WW symptoms even though it’s my follicular phase. In particular, my breasts were sore. The acupuncturist found this interesting and asked me if I had been irritable. With that simple question and the fact that she seemed to be offering a sympathetic, experienced ear, the flood gates opened. I tried to keep my voice from quivering and I thought she likely didn’t notice the tears starting to flow from the corners of my eyes, but then she handed me a tissue and said that’s why they keep some in the room. I didn’t let myself cry long because I wanted to try my best to be in the moment during the acupuncture (I’m not so good at staying in the moment, so effort is required). It felt good though, to let some of it out, and now I feel ready to move on and let go. I’m sure there will be more of these “funks” if I don’t conceive soon, but for now I’m going to try to get back in to positive, hopeful mode.