How to Motivate the Husband?

J needs to get his SA on . . .

For whatever reason J is dragging his feet when it comes to booking his semen analysis. I don’t know if it’s A) he is just being lazy, B) he is too stressed out with everything else going on, or C) he’s nervous about the actual process and/or the results.

I hope it’s not option A because I would be really pissed off. I have already undergone testing and will continue to need more testing, which will be more invasive and physically uncomfortable. I will have to show my vagina off to several people and get used to laying on my back spread eagle. Jerking off into a cup is easy in comparison. Also, I have made our fertility a top priority by placing calls, booking appointments, doing research, waking early to take my temperature, tracking symptoms, peeing on numerous sticks, taking a bunch of vitamins/supplements, and avoiding alcohol for half the month. If he can’t be bothered to pick up the phone and make an appointment that would definitely make me mad (and hurt). However, I doubt it’s this option because he does seem very sincere in his desire for a baby too.

I don’t know if it’s option C. He hasn’t expressed any fears about the test. Sure, masterbating in an office and handing a cup of your semen to a nurse is not a comfortable experience, but I don’t know if he’s actually nervous about it. I also don’t know if he’s worried that our issues could be due to him and if he’ll feel guilty if they are. We haven’t really talked about that and we probably should, but he seems to want to avoid talking about things since I’ve already talked about TTC and infertility to death. When I was thinking about this option last night, I got really sad and unfairly upset with myself. Two thirds of infertility cases are due to an issue with the woman, so it’s much more likely that it’s my “fault”. This made me get mad at myself and I felt like I should be apologizing that we’re going through all this stress because of me. Because my body is (most likely) failing us.

My guess is that option B is the real reason. A lot has been going on for the last year and a half (work, family issues, etc.) and right now there is a pile of things that are stressing J out. A few weekends ago, we discovered mold in our basement. Our house was only built in 2005, so you wouldn’t really expect to find a bunch of mold, but we think that there’s a leak between the outside tap and the inside wall. A few months ago, J dented up/gouged two doors on his car and he hasn’t had the time to take it in to get appraised. Work seems to be a constant stress for J. He likes what he does and where he works, but it seems like people are always demanding things of him and his strong work ethic seems to cause him extra stress since he tries to do everything demanded of him (no matter how unreasonable it may be). There are also some major extended family issues going on that always add an underlying layer of stress. Adding our fertility concerns to that and needing to find extra time for these appointments (when he already feels like he can’t find time to fix his car or find a contracter and plumber to fix our leak and basement) may be pushing him over the edge. I always feel personally responsible for keeping him (and everyone) calm and happy, but this time I can’t just suck up my needs in favor of making everyone else’s life easier. I need him to get this SA so that we can get answers and move toward a solution. Hopefully he finally made the call today!

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4 thoughts on “How to Motivate the Husband?

  1. Ty dragged his feet when it came to getting tested for lead (painter. Scraps lead). I had to have a serious melt down of epic portions. He said why Don’t you make it for me and I’ll go. Which is all well and great but seriously he’s a big boy and that comment made me more upset.

    Sometimes you gotta light the fire just saying its making me think you don’t care about this journey and it makes me feel alone. Ty called the next day, first thing.

    Results came back good a week later.

    He said he was too busy and just didn’t have time for a 5 minute call. I was like I make time and so will you.

  2. Will is the same way and I knew if I didn’t make it myself for him he wouldn’t go, I called them right in front of him and set it up. We go Monday, he is freaking out but at least he saw the ultrasound so I said I get sticks with condom shoved up me he can do this lol

  3. Is there any way you could make the appointment for him? It’s a lot to try to make everyone feel calm and happy, but maybe if it’s just that he’s feeling stressed, he’ll feel grateful that you’ve helped take one thing off his plate. Also — my husband is ALWAYS in meetings at work. Always. He says he’ll get to things and then weeks later will ask me to make the call because he realizes he’s incapable of doing it. He has a problem admitting he can’t do everything. Maybe your guy needs a little push in the right direction? :)

  4. I am glad it’s not just my husband! Maybe they are just oblivious to how important/urgent this is (kind of like how J can’t find things when they are right in front of their face). Or maybe they are squeamish/embarrassed/nervous about the actual testing. I get that they can be truly busy, but to me it’s about prioritizing. I prioritize making these kinds of calls whereas J prioritizes work.

    In happy news, J’s SA is scheduled for Nov. 5th. I was hoping we’d have the results in time for our RE appt on Oct. 30th, but the lab books a few weeks out and we’ll need to go back later to get my results anyway.

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