And the winners are . . .

AF and BFN! Fuck.

I had hope this month and hope turned into the belief that I was pregnant. I really believed that my period would be late, and it was. And then I believed that I would see a positive pregnancy test, and I didn’t. I even held my hand on my belly and talked to my little nugget (aka figment of my imagination) throughout the latter days of my cycle, telling it to hold on.

Here are the symptoms I had this month that are pretty common for me:

  • Cramps (nothing major, but noticeable throughout my cycle)
  • Headaches (I have noticed these during the 2WW since I stopped birth control)
  • Nausea so mild that I wasn’t sure if I was just imagining it (it could also be from post-nasal drip)
  • Heartburn
  • Sore shoulders, neck, and back (but they seemed worse this month, I swear)
  • Fatigue (story of my life)
  • Twinges over where I think my ovaries are (they kind of alternated sides though)
  • Sensitive nipples during 2WW
  • Cried easily (pretty typical)
  • Gas (I fart and burp a lot in my opinion)
  • Bloating

Here are some extras that had me thinking that cycle 9 was the cycle:

  • Fluttery-type contractions in my stomach around day 10 and day 18 – my acupuncturist thought I might be ovulating when I saw her on CD15 (earlier than normal, which was the 1st goal) – a positive OPK on CD20 suggests otherwise
  • Boobs were sorer than usual
  • Boobs seemed a bit bigger/fuller too
  • It seemed like my aerolas got bigger and maybe darker
  • My tuna tasted funny one lunch and then I noticed a metallic taste throughout the day and several other days
  • My gums seemed more sensitive
  • Tugging feeling in my belly
  • Weird dream
  • Dry mouth/extra thirsty
  • Sudden warming sensation up the inside of my left calf a few times
  • Cold symptoms (e.g., sore throat, runny nose, post-nasal drip) – but I do have alergies and my coworker (who I share an office with) had a bad cold
  • Peeing more often (see thirst comment, could explain it)
  • Extra cm on CD 31
  • A penny-sized spot of pink on the toilet paper on CD24 (this was the big one for me – I assumed/hoped it was implantation bleeding)

I told the acupuncturist about some of the symptoms and the “implantation bleeding” (I have never spotted other than a bit at the start of my period or for the last couple days at the end of my period, but never mid cycle) and she seemed really hopeful. She even said she wouldn’t mix up the herbs I am supposed to take during my period because she didn’t know that I would need them and she thought it might be a bad idea to mix them up. I think she thought I was pregnant too. I didn’t tell anyone else because I didn’t want to jinx it.

On CD27 I took a pregnancy test. Actually I took two. I bought a bunch of cheap ones from http://www.early-pregnancy-tests.com – the ones I got are supposed to be super sensitive (10 miu/ml HCG sensitivity). I also had a free 20 miu/ml HCG sensitivity one from when I ordered preseed from the same company. I had read on their site that the 20 miu ones have better customer feedback than the 10 miu ones. So even though the 10 miu are supposedly more sensitive, they may be less accurate. However, looking into it even further, it seems that enough people found inaccuracies with both types of test strips. Several people stated that the tests are only good for confirming a pregnancy, as they didn’t get a positive with them until they had already had a positive test result using a different brand. Not everyone had that experience, but it was enough to make me doubt the two BFNs that stared back at me. It also could have been too early to test.

I was positively gleeful on CD 32 when I was officially late. I have consistently had a 28-30 day cycle for the last 8 cycles. When I first stopped BCP I had a 35 day cycle. The next was a 33 day cycle, followed by a 29 day cycle and a 31 day cycle. So I haven’t had a 31 day cycle in 8 months and I figured that a 31 day cycle at this point was a very good sign. So on the morning of CD32, I took a First Response Early Results test. This test is supposed to be top on the market. I got a BFN. I was discouraged, but I still held out some hope. After all, my friend Andree had a negative blood test at 4 weeks pregnant and she didn’t know she was pregnant until another blood test was run at 6 weeks. I also read about many other people who didn’t know until 5, 6, 8, 11, or 13 weeks. I even read about people who were getting negative urine and blood tests when they were 6 months pregnant and very clearly with child. All of these scenarios are reportedly statistically rare, but if you get a big enough sample size even 4% (urine tests are found to be 96% accurate in clinical studies, when used properly) is a sizeable group to pin your hope on.

Yesterday was weird. (TMI warning: read no further if you can’t stand discussions of cervical mucus). I went to the bathroom at one point and had cause to push. I noticed some reddish-brown discharge in the toilet (not poop). Later, I went again and when I wiped there was a kind of creamy/slightly yellow, slightly stretchy, snot-like discharge. Then later, there was blood-tinged ewcm, followed by another wipe that produced clear ewcm, followed by another wipe that produced nothing. I was of course consulting Dr. Google and found some info supporting these kinds of discharge in early pregnancy and some info suggesting it meant AF was coming. Well, at about 9 pm, that damn witch came. I wiped and saw blood. Unmistakable, bright red blood. But it was just one wipe. J and I watched a couple episodes of Breaking Bad up in bed and when I went to the bathroom again, there was more blood. I couldn’t deny it anymore.

I ended up crying and J did the best thing he could. He hugged me, rubbed my back, kissed my shoulder, and told me he was sorry. Then I sucked up some strength, for both of our sakes, and said, “We’ll get there.” He replied, “Yes, we will.”

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12 thoughts on “And the winners are . . .

    • Thanks. I’m sad and wondering if I’ll ever manage to see a BFP. It just seems so unlikely when I’ve done so many tests and never managed to see one. But I know all those other times don’t dictate the future. I just have to keep trying and know that by one means or another, I will be a mother someday.

      • You have a long way to go before not having a biological child should concern you! I hope the first thing your RE does gets you pregnant!

      • Thanks. Deep down I know you’re right. I am just so impatient about this and my mind tends to go to worst case scenarios and then try to prepare for them. I know that’s a lot of wasted energy and distress.

  1. I feel your pain. It sounds like you are living in my head. I am in the same boat but I am still waiting for my period. I am 3 days late and the last time I was late, I had a positive test followed literally 6 hours later by my period and it was a PERIOD. So… Its just so disheartening. I know its hard to continue to have hope when you get negatives and are late. I know its hard to have hope for next cycle after you get your period… I know. I wish there was something I could tell you to make things better but in my own opinion, nothing makes you feel better.

    Try to keep your head up, know that bad days are okay. Cry if you need to. And continue to hold onto that hope.

    • Thank you! I find that people’s comments on my blog posts provide so much support, so really, thank you.

      I had my cry and I think I’m good for the time being. I wish I had a crystal ball or someone could just guarantee me that I will be pregnant within the next 6 months or a year (or whatever), but it’s so unknown about when or if it will happen. I’m not a religious person but I have to keep faith in myself, J, and the world at large, that we’ll have a baby (somehow).

      • I wish I could hug you. Because we are the same. I want to know. i want to be able to plan. I want to say I am going on leave on this day. I want to just have the answers. I actually googled magic 8 ball and asked it if I would be pregnant this time around… It told me to ask again. Story of my life :) I know that some internet site cant tell me anything.

        I also check the countdowntoprenancy.com daily to see if people who are XDPO are pregnant and if they compare to me. I then think every time I take a test that I should hold the test in the air, at a 43 degree angle with dim lighting and a pink back light to maybe see a line. Its a neverending cycle of trying, hoping, wishing and disappointment. :(

      • I can relate so much! I googled “online pregnant test” as if a bunch of multiple choice questions could tell me if I’m pregnant. I’m just so desperate for answers. I used to use countdowntopregnancy to check XDPO symptoms, but stopped when I got frustrated. I’m back to BBT this month and crossing my fingers. GL to you!

  2. I know it is really really hard, but try not to think too much into symptoms you feel. Most women don’t have real pregnancy symptoms until 6 weeks, and a lot are the same as what you can feel before AF. Also, just a warning… If you are ever on progestrone, you will feel bloating, sore boobs, and tiredness. I was positive I was pregnant my first time on it, then I learned it was just the medication!

    • Yeah I told myself not to pay attention to symptoms after the first time I fooled myself into thinking I was pregnant, but since this is the first month I felt really hopeful in awhile I slipped back into symptom analysis. Hopefully I have learned my lesson now. I have heard that about progesterone too. Thanks!

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