There was a time when I was scared of getting pregnant. I remember worrying about pregnancy before I had even had sex. Then I wished that I could get through high school before I got pregnant, then my first degree, then my second degree, and then until I was married, and then until I was registered as a psychologist. Once we started talking more seriously about our TTC timeline, there was a mix of utter excitement and nerves. What if I couldn’t handle morning sickness? What if I got overwhelmed by the demands of parenting? Now there is no room for those kinds of nerves or fear; there is only room for a visceral level of desire. I feel it at the center of my being. I hope, wish, dream, want, and pray (yes, even mostly atheist me has found myself praying) that I will be pregnant, and soon. I currently have no room for the fear that is likely natural at times during parenthood because the fear of not being a parent far outweighs that. Sometimes that fear overshadows the hope because it’s difficult for hope and fear to live in the same space. Sometimes it’s hard to know which one will win out.
There was a time
I had nothing to give
I needed shelter from the storm I was in
– “Better Man” by James Morrison (our wedding dance)