The “When-If” Battle

Do you ever catch yourself saying statements like “When I am pregnant . . . “, “When we have a baby . . . “, “When we have kids . . . ” and then switch the “when” to an “if”. It kills me inside, but I constantly find that I do it. I think I started doing it because I didn’t want to jinx anything (for all my science nerdism, I fall prey to superstitions). I didn’t want to say “when” like it was a given, but saying “if” makes me sad and when J once said “if” I just about took his head off. Now it has become a reflex to change the “when” to “if” and I don’t like it. I am trying to think more positively and let hope back into TTC, so I need to start using “when” again. However, when I try, there’s this really annoying little voice in my head that says, “but what if it doesn’t happen?” I guess I am scared that thinking in terms of “when” will only set me up for more disappointment.

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