On Hold

TTC is all about waiting. The first part of the month isn’t so bad. You may be waiting for ovulation and doing things such as taking your BBT or using OPKs, or you may just be having fun and enjoying sex all the time or whenever you want it. After ovulation it can get tough. This is the 2WW (two week wait). As mentioned before, the “typical” luteal phase is 14 days. This means that you need to wait 14 days to find out if the sperm met the egg and decided to get friendly. Although there are early detection pregnancy tests, they are not especially accurate until 14 days past ovulation. This is because your little blastocyst needs to implant in your uterine wall and your body needs to start producing enough HCG before the second line, plus sign, or ‘pregnant’ will appear. Those 2 weeks can be hard. For me, it was hardest in the beginning because I felt like it was just those 14 days between me and a positive pregnancy test. As time went on and heartache continued, I stopped expecting a positive pregnancy test so those 14 days passed much less noticeably.

The 2WW is hard for other reasons too though. As someone who is very intentionally trying to get pregnant, and as someone who works with children with special needs (including those with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders – FASD), I made a choice not to drink during the 2WW. Just in case, I wanted my body free from alcohol from the moment of conception. So the 2WW means not knowing if I could safely have that glass of wine, not being able to join my friends in a round of cocktails on the patio, and watching J have a beer whenever he pleases whereas I can’t be so free. This may make it sound like alcohol plays too important a role in my life – it doesn’t, but I do enjoy a drink from time to time, especially during summer weekends. Of course, abstaining from alcohol is a small price to pay, but when this split-month phenomenon goes on for a year (or more), with no results, it gets a bit tedious.

Beyond the 2WW there is a different sense of waiting. I wasn’t feeling really satisfied in my job this winter/spring. I felt taken for granted and like my boundaries weren’t being respected. Although I tend not to disturb the status quo and I am comfortable in what I know rather than taking risks, I kept my eye out for other positions. Two suitable positions came up and looking toward the future, they would probably be better than my current job because there’s no out of town travel involved. One of the positions also pays considerably more than what I make now, for 10 months of work (whereas I work year-round). I didn’t apply for 3 main reasons: 1) we were really busy here at work and my boss was stressed enough as it is. I am a people pleaser and I didn’t want to upset her. 2) I am a bit afraid of change. What if I was less fulfilled at a new job. At least I know what to expect with my current job. and 3) What if I got pregnant? How would that affect mat leave? I actually saw the best of the 2 postings after it had already been filled and I told J about it afterward. He brought up that the timing probably wouldn’t be good anyway because I could get pregnant. The problem is that I feel like I keep waiting and putting things on hold because I could be/get pregnant, but I wonder if I am putting my life on hold too much? How do you keep going about your business or make major decisions when you want to do the best for your child, even though you have no idea when that child will come?!

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2 thoughts on “On Hold

  1. I’m stuck in that same situation with employment. I know I have until August of next year at my current job, but I’m applying anyway. Then it hit me, FMLA, and disability and having enough PTO. It’s a crap shoot really. However, I’m going with the theory that if they hire me, if I get pregnant/I am already pregnant, but I’m still a great employee, they’ll be willing to give me the leave instead of paying to find someone else.

    • I live in Canada and from my understanding mat leave is a bit different her than in the US. I’m afraid I don’t know what FMLA and PTO mean. I figured that if I started a new job at the beginning of a pregnancy I’d still work there for about 8 months (and it seems like the places I’d be looking at require 6 months for mat leave eligibility), so I’d be covered. I just hate the idea of feeling like I’m lying by withholding something and I wouldn’t want to tell a new job that right away. Anyway, right now it’s a moot point since the school boards have done their hiring for this year and I have hope that my current work situation will be improved this year. Someday, the travel will more than likely become a big issue though.

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