I got an iPhone 4S for my birthday. I stepped out of the dark ages of “dumb” phones and finally got a smart phone. It’s not surprising that even my 13 year old nephew had an iPhone before I did considering that I didn’t get my first cell phone until I was 23. I’m not a ludite by any means, but I am a bit behind the times with cell phones. I always had a hard time justifying one, or the latest model, if I didn’t need the features. Most of my friends didn’t have personal cell phones in high school, at least not as far as I remember, and once university rolled around I went to such a small school in such a small town that basically I could yell out my window and reach the person I desired. Why rack up a cell phone bill if it’s not necessary, I figured. I mean, that money would be better spent on clothes and booze, no?! At 23, I moved across the country, away from family and friends, so it finally felt like it was time. Even then, I got a pretty basic package with the most basic phone. I traded up twice to a bit better phone, but I was always one (or maybe a thousand) steps behind.
When I first got my iPhone, I was obsessed with all the features. I beat every level except the last one on Plants vs Zombies in a short period of time because I played it pretty well non-stop. I was also obsessed with downloading apps, an obsession that hasn’t quite tapered off. One of the apps I got was iperiod free. It helps me track my period, symptoms, and fertility days (it even has an ipregnancy sister app for when the time comes). You can see your trends, specify the luteal phase (which is perfect for me), and look ahead for the next 12 cycles (I already know that if I’m not pregnant come March, I will be able to drink guilt and worry free at my friend’s wedding in Mexico). Every day for the week before my period, it gives me an update on how many days until my period. This happens every time I open it. It’s good, but it’s not like someone who is TTC forgets about these things. I mean this date signifies the end of the 2WW. It’s monumental! Today I keep getting the alert that my period is expected in 2 days and I want to say, “Quit taunting me!” The fact that I open this app a million times a day to record one twinge or another doesn’t help matters :)
There was a time when I was scared of getting pregnant. I remember worrying about pregnancy before I had even had sex. Then I wished that I could get through high school before I got pregnant, then my first degree, then my second degree, and then until I was married, and then until I was registered as a psychologist. Once we started talking more seriously about our TTC timeline, there was a mix of utter excitement and nerves. What if I couldn’t handle morning sickness? What if I got overwhelmed by the demands of parenting? Now there is no room for those kinds of nerves or fear; there is only room for a visceral level of desire. I feel it at the center of my being. I hope, wish, dream, want, and pray (yes, even mostly atheist me has found myself praying) that I will be pregnant, and soon. I currently have no room for the fear that is likely natural at times during parenthood because the fear of not being a parent far outweighs that. Sometimes that fear overshadows the hope because it’s difficult for hope and fear to live in the same space. Sometimes it’s hard to know which one will win out.
There was a time
I had nothing to give
I needed shelter from the storm I was in
– “Better Man” by James Morrison (our wedding dance)
I just read a post by Infertilegirl that I can completely relate to. It was about searching for clear answers re: pregnancy through Google. Unfortunately Google doesn’t have all the information and conflicting information seems to be the norm. I google questions and “symptoms” all the time. Usually I am directed to some forum where there are other TTCers trying to figure these things out too. Everyone’s responses are based on personal experience, old wives’ tales, bits and pieces of research, assumptions, and wishful thinking. Basically, I leave those forums more confused than ever (and to be honest, thinking that many people don’t know what they are talking about). However, I can’t resist the urge to look for answers, even though sometimes I don’t like the answers that I get. The wait and wondering is just so hard, so you cling to each bit of hope you can find. I know personally, I often attend to the signs that support a belief that I could be pregnant and ignore the ones that don’t (confirmation bias). If only we all had a crystal ball, but only time will tell.
This month I was relying on cervical mucus and OPK to help me figure out when I ovulated. At first, I thought I might have ovulated earlier than my usual (which would be fantastic) based on ewcm. There wasn’t much, but some months I don’t notice any. However, my OPKs weren’t positive. I’ve always had positive OPKs in past months, but I figured that some people aren’t able to catch their surge and maybe that was my case now that my hormones seemed to be changing. Then I got the positive OPK a day or two later than my usual. This had me worrying that I was ovulating a bit later than I usually do (moving in the wrong direction). But, I read the OPK 3 minutes later than you’re supposed to, which can invalidate it. So I was still trying to keep hope alive that I ovulated earlier. Yesterday I noticed more ewcm and it was more plentiful (still not a lot) than before. That was CD23 and I got my positive OPK on CD20, so that’s a bit late for further signs of ovulation. I have read that a second round of ewcm can signify an additional increase in estrogen about a week post-ovulation, so I am wondering if it was that.
J and I didn’t BD on the weekend for various reasons and I didn’t feel the urgency to that I usually do when I might still be ovulating. I was also somewhat worried that if I had already ovulated, an egg had managed to fertilize and it might possibly have implanted, that the contractions involved in orgasm might be harmful. Now, with the second round of ewcm I am wondering if we missed our window of opportunity. I am just so confused this cycle. Next cycle, I definitely think that temping BBT is in order (unless I get so lucky as to not need to!).
Because I am hopeful again this cycle, this 2WW feels extra long! I want to know now, except I don’t really. If I were to test now I probably wouldn’t get a positive either way, but seeing a negative would deflate me. Also, if I’m not pregnant, I’ll eventually find out and if/when that happens I know I’ll be incredibly sad. So even though it may be delusional, I want to hold on to the sense that I could possibly, maybe, potentially be pregnant. Keep on aching boobs, you give me hope (however misguided it may be)!