Reality Check

During the previously mentioned fight with J (see Control Freak), he said that I have him all freaked out that there’s no way we can conceive naturally. He said that in all honesty he didn’t think we had been trying that long, but then I was so worked up and my mom mentioned endometriosis, so now he’s worried too. At first when  I was getting worried, he had a very “oh just relax; you’re getting worked up for nothing” attitude. That annoyed me. I felt like my feelings weren’t being validated or supported. So in a way, I guess I wanted him to be a bit more concerned too so that I didn’t feel so off base with my fears. But I never intended to make him think that it was impossible for us to get pregnant. I don’t even think that. I think it is unlikely without some form of intervention and I’m convinced from the signs my body has been giving me that there’s something going on, but even with endometriosis or other conditions, there’s still a chance of conceiving naturally (it’s just harder, takes longer, and is less likely). I’ve previously mentioned on here that time is of the essence to me, so if some medication or surgery can get us pregnant faster then I am all for it and that’s why I’m actively seeking out help.

Unfortunately, all my doomsday thinking rubbed off on J, which was never my intention. He calls me pessimistic (although he certainly can be too), but I used to always call myself realistic. Since at least my late teens/early 20s, I have tried to prepare myself for worst case scenarios. I figured that if it didn’t happen that way then I’d be very pleasantly surprised and if it did, well then I was mentally prepared. I saw this as realistic because there was a real chance that these outcomes could happen, but reflecting more on it now, it is quite a pessimistic and deterministic approach to life. I hold this viewpoint because of the times when I’ve hoped or counted on people and been disappointed. I figured that the pain of preparing myself for the worst was less than the pain of crushing hope. That’s why I have ceased to hope, or even believe it to be more than a minute possibility, that I could be pregnant any month. And to be honest, it does work. It hurts less when I expect my period or truly expect a pregnancy test to be negative, but what about the power of hope and positive thinking? Some say that that’s what eventually got them their BFP! So inaddition to trying to give up control (again, see Control Freak), I am also going to open the door for hope.

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