New mantra: I can’t control this
J and I got into a big fight (i.e., a bit of yelling, crying on my part, and it might have lasted 15-30 mins – we don’t fight much or for long) on Saturday. He said something offhand and I took it to heart. I am very sensitive, especially about TTC. So I got upset and then he got upset and said that I am completely consumed by TTC. He ended up telling me that it does really upset him that we haven’t conceived yet and he gets upset every time I get my period too. The difference is that I cope with what bothers me by talking about it (to death) and J prefers not to talk about it (as a form of avoidance/denial). Neither coping strategy is ideal, but our problems come from the fact that we have completely opposite styles. I’ve learned not to push him if he is stressed about work and doesn’t want to talk about it, but with TTC it’s something I’m having a really hard time dealing with too and from the outside it didn’t really look like J was bothered by it that much (after all, he often jokes about it – likely another defense mechanism). So I figured I could talk about it at length. I guess I was wrong. He insists I can still talk about it, but he doesn’t want our lives to be consumed by it. He wants us to try to live our lives and enjoy ourselves rather than stressing over things we can’t control.
I think he hit the nail on the head and led to a mini epiphany for me. I can’t control this. I don’t like that fact, but it is a fact. I am so used to being in control. Normally, if I just work a little harder, want it a little more, I can achieve what I want. TTC doesn’t work like that. I have been doing all this research on supplements, the effects of green tea and lemons, acupuncture, medications, surgical procedures, etc. in an attempt to have some control. To somehow make the problem go away. As if I could just get the right combination and presto, an embryo would appear. But really, the research is inconclusive on most of those things (although acupuncture holds promise, especially for those doing IVF) and even if you have everything working in the right way, it still takes a bit of luck to conceive. So, I am going to try (try being the operative word) to let go of my need for control a bit. After all, we have a referral to the clinic and they are the experts. I am still going to meet with the doctor at the holistic clinic and see what she has to say. I may try a bit of acupuncture and/or massage, even if just for relaxation (obviously I need to relax!). But otherwise, I have to realize that this stressing isn’t doing J or I any good and it could be detrimental to our relationship in the long run. I’m also trying to put a moratorium on all things pregnancy and baby related in our conversations for his sake, or at least cut back significantly. This blog is my outlet and knowing that he needs to not talk about it about as much as I need to talk about it means that I need this blog more than ever.