Why?

Why? That’s the question I asked myself as tears streamed down my cheeks tonight. I got my period earlier in the day. I was of course a bit disappointed and a bit irritable throughout the rest of the day and night, but I handled it without tears or saying much about it initially. I bought some Smirnoff Ice Light when J decided to buy some beer for a BBQ we’re going to tomorrow and had a glass of wine at supper. After all, alcohol is one “perk/consolation” of not being pregnant. I also messaged the friend who is getting married in Mexico in March and told her we could definitely attend her wedding. I was doing ok.

Then my mom and I went for a walk after dinner.

First a little back story:

When I was 19, I read an article about how AF shouldn’t really be painful and I had often crippling (grab the table and double over) pain. Apparently this kind of pain could mean that I have endometriosis, which can cause infertility. I got a referral to a gynecologist. She said that she would have to perform a surgery to definitively diagnose me and although it is minor surgery, there are always risks with surgery. I was fine with the risks but then she said that even if she found that I have endometriosis, it would likely come back if treated and that it didn’t definitively mean I would be infertile. Also, many of my symptoms could be explained by IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome) so it was a bit of a coin toss of what I had. I basically felt that having the laparoscopy was pointless since it likely couldn’t be permanently treated anyway. I felt like there was nothing they could do and I more or less forgot about it.

On our walk, talk turned to infertility and my mom said that I have endometriosis. I questioned it and she said that they (she and the gynecologist) were pretty sure I did (my mother is a doctor). This surprised me because my 19 year old single self didn’t take that message away from my gyne appointment. But I started wondering if my mom was right.

I spent much of the evening researching several things: endometriosis and it’s effect on infertility, treatments, acupuncture, the safety of Chinese herbs (part of the Traditional Chinese Medicine approach), the costs of acupuncture, etc. I started worrying about what can be done and what the best route would be and whether I should wait to potentially pursue some TCM methods (I’m a strong believer in Western medicine given my upbringing and not so sure about TCM’s effectiveness or safety – what if it could make things worse!?) until after J has his SA (and we decided to wait on that until we get into the fertility clinic – so that’s 4-6 months away). After all this research and worrying, I just had to ask myself “Why?!” Why are we having trouble conceiving? Why did it have to be us? Why is it easy for some people and so hard for others?  Why do most treatment options, both Western and Eastern, cost so much?

Except for that last question, I doubt there could ever be an answer, at least not a satisfactory one (God’s plan certainly doesn’t rank as acceptable with me). The “why” questions come from a place of despair because there is no rhyme or reason, only pain. Such questions come from a place of desperation and anguish. They come from a place of self-pity.

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2 thoughts on “Why?

  1. So sorry you are feeling this way. I ask myself why often. There is no answer. Hope you are feeling a bit better today.

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