So I am jumping to conculsions and catastrophizing, but I started freaking out after reading forum posts about how long the process of having a baby may take. Of course my number 1 fear is that I will never be a mother through any means. But my other fear, which seems much more likely, is that this journey will be years in the making. When I initially started TTC, I thought it was going to be a matter of months, not YEARS! I had heard stories of it taking 3+ years and this horrified me, but I didn’t think it would be me. I thought that was a rare circumstance. I’m not so sure anymore.
We’ve been trying more or less for 9 months, add to that the fact that we’ll likely be waiting 4-6 months to get into the fertility clinic. So far, that’s 13-15 months. Then, depending on our issues, we might be started with the most basic treatments (meds) before we’re allowed to move on to more aggressive treatments (IUI and IVF). Who knows how many more months/years all of that will take and then finally, how long will our final treatment protocol take to actually work. Of course there are limits to our finances and eventually we’ll need to pull the plug on fertility treatments if we’re not successful.
We talked about the possibility of adoption and said that we are both for it if we can’t have biological children. I have absolutely no doubt that we’ll love our children the same whether they are biologically ours or not, but we do hope to have biological children if possible. I am so curious about what the genetic mix of me and my husband will be like. Will they have his eyes, my nose, the hair color of his second cousin twice removed, etc? Also, will they share any of our personality traits or hobbies? And in what ways will they be completely their own person? Further, there is the fact that when it’s a biological child you know the family history you’re dealing with. For example, type 1 diabetes is now on my husband’s side and depression has a longstanding history on my side of the family. These obviously aren’t ideal conditions, but we know what we’re facing. With adoption, you may know little about either or both of the birth parents and their extended family members. As someone who works with children, I know a lot about developmental risk factors and sometimes it can be scary.
So with all that said, last night I started thinking about how if it could potentially (likely?!) be years and it could cost 16-17K each IVF cycle, maybe seeking out adoption sooner rather than later could be the best option. From what I have read, most domestic adoptions where I live take an average of 1.5-2 years for an infant and cost about 10K. I just keep thinking, what if we’re spending all this time and money when we could have a child sooner and we might end up going through with adoption in the end anyway. My main goal is to be a mother, any which way. I want to hold my child, care for them, nurture them, educate them, provide for them, watch them grow into the unique person they are meant the be. The biology is minimal when it comes down to it. At this point, I’m not sure J would agree, but I feel such a strong longing that the wait is my main obstacle at the moment!