In the last few days, my fear has caught up with me. I had been so excited when we left the RE’s office because he renewed my hope. I still have hope, but fear has crept back in. I have minor fears about the actual IVF process. I am afraid of giving myself a needle. I don’t even tweeze my own eyebrows because I can’t bring myself to yank the hairs out (but I don’t mind when someone else waxes or tweezes for me). That fear is easily calmed though because I know that it will become easy once I’ve done it a few times. It’s just that first time where it will be hard to actually bring myself to puncture the skin. I am also “afraid” (in a vain sense) of gaining a bunch of weight from the medication, but I have heard the bloating goes away and I am holding on to that considering that I’m a good 10 lbs over anything close to satisfactory in my opinion and I am quite short so a little weight goes a long way. My main fear though, the one that got me crying last night, is that it won’t work. On one hand I hope that our wait to start IVF is short, but on the other hand, the quicker it comes, the quicker it might be the death of a dream. I know that sounds really pessimistic, but it’s reality. Our chances at a viable pregnancy all come down to how many eggs I produce and their quality. We just won’t know that until our first IVF cycle. I told J I needed a hug last night and as he obliged, he asked why. I told him I was scared. I think he thought I was talking about the needles, so I explained where my real fear was coming from. He said he didn’t think I needed to be scared because there was a 58% chance of having a baby. However, I had to remind him that it’s a 58% chance if I produce 7-10 eggs and I may not. He was supportive though and said that if the first one didn’t work, we still had two more tries. I can’t stress enough how much statements like that mean right now. We joke that I am the CEO and he is the CFO of the family. He is really responsible with money and if he says we can afford something, I never doubt him. Although he enjoys the finer things in life and we both treat ourselves to things, he can be hesitant about spending money too and he normally researches everything ad nauseum before making a purchase. So the fact that he seems comfortable with this HUGE sum of money and potentially spending it 3 times over helps ease my guilt. I think I feel extra pressure for it to work the first time so we don’t need to spend as much, but he is basically saying that the money doesn’t matter in the long run, growing our family does. So I appreciated his response and it does help, but I’m still scared. Having a baby and being a mom is everything to me. If IVF doesn’t work, we will wholeheartedly commit ourselves to the adoption process, but I am scared about having to start another intense, long, emotionally and financially draining process from square 1. Sometimes I even think about skipping IVF and going straight to adoption, but we can’t, we need to try. Otherwise we would always wonder. And right now I feel like I know way more about IVF than adoption so it does feel like a “safer” place at the moment, even though I am afraid.